I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
