I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
