You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
