I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
