On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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