Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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