Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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