guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
