I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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