Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
