I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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