I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
