Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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