im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
