Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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