The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
