Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
