And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
