I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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