Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
