I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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