Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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