Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
