I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
What drink are we having for lunch?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
