The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
