morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Farmville is her only friend.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
