I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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