he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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