I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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