My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
