I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
