omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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