mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
