i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
