Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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