Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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