i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
