i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
