was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
