Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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