I forgot how hot balto sounded
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
