The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
