oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it glows. i had to have it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
