I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
