Cold hands, warm shart.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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