I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
