He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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