sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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