closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
