bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
