i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
