I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
