my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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